Conversations we have and Secrets we keep

 

talking-mouthThis is a story of two people, Melissa and Ari. Melissa woke up today, got dressed  and ready for work. She ate her usual breakfast, and listened to her usual radio station on her way to work. That same morning, Ari woke up. Ari got dressed, took a shower, and left to work singing along to her favorite band on the music player of her car.

It was noon. Ari felt dread, and knots in her stomach. Melissa felt fine, maybe a bit bored, she couldn’t tell. They both headed to the lunch area. They sat down at their tables. Melissa with her group of friends, Ari with one of her coworkers. Melissa came over to Ari’s table after she finished her lunch. Ari could see her approaching, she was looking at Melissa from the corner or her eye, with heightened awareness. Ari’s breathing constricted, which she wasn’t even aware of. She froze for a few seconds in sheer anticipation.

“Hi Ari” Melissa said, “how it’s going today?”

“Alright.”

A moment of silence passed.

“Anything new go on in your work?” Melissa said with care.

“Nope, just the usual” said Ari, “what about you?”

Melissa said how her team is closing on a deal with new client in the area. She felt pretty excited about it.

“Oh” Ari said. Ari felt sick to her stomach, an ache and pain in her bones and muscles, that she wasn’t even aware of. In a moment of anger, she said: “I’m really happy for you Melissa” and thought “what a bitch, why is she making me feel bad. Why can’t you just leave me alone!”

“Thanks Ari, that’s so sweet” Melissa replied.

Ari, and Melissa finished their work day, headed home. Ari collapsed in bed, filled with thought. Melissa was relax, and looked forward to the next day.

“Why can’t I be like Melissa” Ari thought.

…. Night passed…

The next day, at work, during lunch. Ari went over and spoke with Melissa.

“Hey Melissa how is it going?”

“pretty good, how about you?”

“Well I’m fine, anything to new to report?”

“not today no, and how about you, anything new going on?”

“Yes, we actually made a huge sale this morning, the boss is really happy”

“well that’s great Ari! That’s such good news.”

Time slowed down. Ari felt happy, excited and proud of herself. At the same time she felt angry, confused, and jealous. “why is she congratulating me, I don’t need her to tell me how great I am. I am great, I am better than her.”

“Thanks I really appreciate your kind words” replied Ari.

Ari felt the pain again, she felt like collapsing when she got home. I can’t live like this. What will make this stop! Why do whatever I try, does nothing ever seem to be able to stop this emptiness I feel. I feel so angry. I hate my job.

 

~Present Day~

Ari was looking over her memories from three years ago, and wrote down the key points she noticed about who she was in her interactions with her friend Melissa. She noticed that whatever was going on within her, it had nothing to do with how Melissa was treating her, and that Melissa was only ever kind to her, a true friend. In her very thoughts Ari found the truth. Ari wanted to be better than Melissa, and feel like a better person, by bringing down Melissa in her mind, and making herself successful, wealthy, and popular. She knew there was more going on, but she felt that she was already on the path of understanding herself and finally stopping, and letting go of this pain, suffering and emotional torment. The key is in who I am, in these memories, I just have to be honest, and ready to face the truth. I am not a nice person, or good person, I actually think bad/evil things behind people’s back. I know this is wrong, which is why I don’t say it aloud, but it has to stop, I can’t continue like this, I know this much. Why did I ever accept and allow such thoughts? What was I fighting or protecting? There are so many reasons and things here. Righteousness, trying to feel better, becoming more/greater, etc… Wow, there’s so much of me that I wasn’t aware of! Now I can finally release it!

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